Foolish by Ashanti
I think this was the first song that ever crushed my heart. I understood it and realised what notion could mean for me. The idea of losing something that you liked and being confused about it, in a basic sense. Later on this was developed into other areas like in V for Vendetta, which involved
I Need a Girl Part 1 by P. Diddy ft Usher, Loon
This was the first song that actually made me think of why men want women. I think I was about 12 (which is approximately the age I was in the year it released), and I had it on Single and listened to it a lot. It and the Part 2, both greatly impacted what developed as my understanding of the multi-levels of male desire. Ie, the concept that men actually tired of some specific type of life with women, that men had deep feelings towards loss of love, and that there was something deep in the desire men had for something from women.
Mistress by Disturbed
During the time I was 14-16 I had an exceptionally strange relationship. During this time, my partner left me for a few months to date another girl. I still remember standing at school listening to this pound in my ears thinking about how exactly I felt about the situation. This idea of what it means to be a Wife, or Mistress, in this situation I was unsure of who I was in regards to this. I never really answered the question. Later this person returned, and like a moron I dated them again for a little while until I finally ended it. But, this question prevailed long after the relationship. As to whether I ever wanted the responsibility of being someone's 'first', a Wife as an example. Would being a Mistress allow more freedom? Would I ever be good enough to be someone's Wife? Questions like this take a lot out of me to actually pick a side because I understand the pros and cons of each. Over the years I have skirted on the Mistress side, this does not mean to a married person, this concept means Consort. In modern terms, a fuck buddy, a temporary partner, someone you don't see yourself marrying, like a Mistress. Due to avoiding the responsibility of being a partner. Fearing also the loss of people I care about, as if I am merely there temporarily, a part of me doesnt fully get into the 'ride', and this part of me still is cognizant enough to 'get me out' when the situation gets messy. Such as if the person begins to treat me badly, this is important to me, because during the prior mentioned relationship I was stuck with my feelings bound me to someone who was, for lack of a better term, 'gaslighting the shit out of me'. He was young, testing out the extent of his behaviours of control and power, I don't blame him. Every time I have seen him since that time, he apologises over and over cause he realises how badly he was in error. Though it was very hard for me to vocalise to anyone what had happened for a long time, due to how angry I was that I let it happen to me. I’m smart right, how could I get abused? That mental train of thought. I just learnt to move on and to not let a similar situation occur again. Learning that when I give all control and power over me to another person, it can make them drunk on it and can make them go too far. Though it really scarred me and brought out a range of different qualities in myself that I wasn't aware of prior. Such as my insane will to survive, and the knowledge that I could actually be broken. No human is really aware that can happen until it does I guess. After this, I became extremely predatory to anything that may harm my intellect, as I felt I had, had my mind try to be broken over those two years. It is probably in part, why my dominance is extra-ordinarily high in my psychological profiling. As that part of me had to learn to survive in the worse of climates. It took me a very long time to get out of the Mistress-Wife cycle also. But I will explain in later songs that this has always been a part of my psychology prior to this age, though it was this song itself that helped to word what I was going through in trying to specifically make a decision for my immediate life. Ie, I realised I could make a choice in this regard. Not everyone can, some people are programmed to staunchly just want to marry, or do not want marriage.