This is something hard to explain due to the fact that I am indeed highly extraverted, but I operate quite differently in reality.
So. When I go out, I engage as many people as possible, talk to everyone and anyone. I am engaging, I am overtly friendly, get to know everyone, am loud and boisterous, and try to be entertaining. Trying to make people laugh, alongside going to strong ends to try and make sure everyone is having fun. This is how I will be in a social gathering as my default behavioural norm.
Yet I tend to avoid interactions with others, and entertained this idea for my entire 20s.
I am a highly intelligent person, and this possibly made me more reflective of my behaviours at a young age. Around the age of 12 realised I feared boredom.
I remember sitting on the home computer, and it coming to me quite like an epiphany. Not to the point of anxiety, but it was something ‘to cure or evade’. I was not bored at the time, I was researching something but I observed a ‘gap’ between things I was currently searching for and what I was about to search for. Those slight inbetween moments I realised, made me nervous to think of ‘what would happen if there was no new thing to research or write about’. Made me wonder how I would deal with the boredom, and I became quite worried about it. Not in a fearful sense, but as a focus of something to overcome.
From this age onwards I adapted my life to be somewhat focused around avoiding boredom. Whilst in my adulthood I have returned a little to respecting the ‘time of nothing’ or the ‘relaxation time’. Time without thing, so that you can obtain things of which you do not know you need to search for. Time for the new to create itself, the surprise or sudden. Though I still mostly exist to always have ‘something to do’.
I found as I got older that the more I interacted with others, the more dissatisfied with the human race I became due to repetition.
Statistically, about 90% of conversations I have with others I have had before. This is horribly inefficient. I learn nothing, and I get incredibly bored, which is of course a problem for me personally. I can have these conversations with myself much more rapidly and seem to learn more internally than externally with these kind of basic interactions. Sometimes I learn something from these kinds of interactions with others of course, but very rarely. They are required sometimes as daily operation, and I learnt to respect them. Though, I learnt to rank them low in ‘what I like to do’. My time is of extreme importance to me.
This is not a critique of others. This is just because during schooling you are put with a mixture of people and sometimes all your eccentricities are not fed by your immediate environment. I started seeking out different variants of people to feed all these parts of me. Some of my social circles are explained in other sections so I won’t delve into it here.
My research involved finding ‘optimal perfect people’ from the age of 18 onwards. Trying to mesh together as many characteristics into one, in the Other. Obviously my experiment proved the only thing it could; that as a human I am complicated and it was impossible to push all required characteristics into singular people. I believe there is at least a requirement for an immediate social circle to be approximately 12 people.
Later I have found that the brain does have a requirement and limit. Which was what I was coining onto in my later teens.
What I noticed in my research was that when I ejected one person from my circle, a nearly identical person would be put into the same role. Surprisingly, as usually these places would not be filled personally by me. Sometimes me but, but sometimes no. Like a friend of a friend whom became a new member of the inner social circle (my inner ring I mean). It was interesting to watch.
I catalogued all my ‘best friends’ from the past, and worked out their similarities and ways they clashed with me, etc. Looked at all my social circle. I worked out how I related to people. How many males and females I needed overall. For example, I very often have at least one ‘beta female’ in my environment. Though this person is not my traditional choice of female that I encounter daily.
They represent a form of shadow Self possibly, they tend to overlap in desire for things that I have, like a crossover. Though I assume this happens a lot with friends when they are close of course. Some of these have been 10 years my junior or 30 years my senior, it is not in any way age specific. My social circles have been hugely varied over my life, age has never been a definitive factor as to what I find enjoyable about a person.
I imagine for me because I notice there is some form of nontraditional error, that possibly this clash with the close female over sharing things, may be in part due to my rejection of parts of Self because I am someone who mostly lacks pretensive Ego. Ie, I don’t pay much attention to Self desires upon the conquest of certain things. Like a one-track mind that doesn’t turn around too often.
From what I can gather, in my environment the things that are meant to go to the Self, end up with nowhere to go so they go to the closest female in my environment. This creates a form of dominance hierarchy problem if the female has poor Ego control, and has crushed a few groups I have been in. The way I have learnt to deal with it, upon reflection, is to change people out somewhat regularly so that they don’t try to upset the hierarchy.
As an example, I am a fearless kind of person whose role is somewhat to fight for the groups protection. To stay strong and not let the group fall. People come to me with their secrets and dark problems they are too afraid to ask others for advice over. I hold a strange role in social circles. If someone takes over that role, it is not something most women can do because my personality is highly disagreeable and dominant, which is rare for a female.
If anyone asks me to reveal a secret I have been told, I would rather harm myself than betray someone and I will fight for my freedom to protect things. Most women stepping into my role, feel the power it holds but also the challenges and it is burdensome. As you need to be an arsewhole, to be protective. You need to disagree with others, to hold a secret, to not give in under pressure. Easier for males I have noticed, to fulfil some of my requirements in a group. Yet people miss the female element with that form of replacement.
I don’t care when people want my role, but I know very well that they cannot withstand the burden on my role in the social circle and that is why they never had my role prior.
I can’t stop being me though, and being distracted by ‘shiny new knowledge’ or absorption into research or writing.
Of course with the beta females, I am also their beta, and they are my beta. As the Self is always the predominant in your head, I am avoiding trying to make anyone look bad. In my social circles I tend to be a strong alpha due to my assertiveness and dominance. To use an example, I commonly organise events, and run them either at the place I am living or at an external venue. I had monthly parties as a teenager at my house of about 50 people. I had 150 people at my 18th birthday. Stretching the limits of my mothers patience with that many people, but it worked well. This centres me in a lot of my social environments alongside the dominance due to ‘knowing what is happening’, and therefore being integral.
People generally want to be my friend, I am friendly, and so people think this is reason enough to keep me in their environment. I have spent some portion of my life trying to understand the different levels of personal interaction. Ie, what is a friend and what is an acquaintence.
As if you are always friendly, how can you tell what a friend is? Is a friend someone who likes you? No that can’t be right, because sometimes we like our enemies also because we respect them for gaining a high enough level to be our enemy. What is a friend. How much should a friend have in common with us. What is the difference between a friend and a student. Or a friend and a family member. Or a friend who is 10 years old or a friend who is 80 years old.
What I figured out in all my research is that, as soon as I interact with others, these roles get filled automatically. The dominance hierarchy just exists void of my decision to be in it or not. The only freedom I actually have is to leave it. I tried to be omega in social circles, to be beta, etc. Everytime I just became core because my innate characteristics enact over time, can’t hide forever. I entered into groups I was never meant to be a part of. Groups way outside my socioeconomic circles, groups consisting of all men, groups consisting of people half my age, groups I was joining years and years after creation. Doesn’t really matter, same normal thing happens, I climb…
So. I just sought to avoid people entirely. I thought it would be fine. When I was in school I had lots of friends but they were ‘just there’ for me. I enjoyed all of them, and respected them as people, but a phrase to say it would be ‘I took the concept of friend association for granted’. I didn’t see the correlation between them just being present and my own internal structure. Especially as a lot of them did very little in terms of interaction besides saying hello and having small talk.
I started about the age of 18 I guess, but went heavily into it around the age of 21 of total separation from ‘close’ connections. It lasted about 2 years before I felt I was actually starting to physically and emotionally suffer. Unconsciously. Consciously I 100% didn’t care, was really awkward to realise that I was wrong. Like getting punched in the skull… I remember at work walking down to exchange/flip the backup disk in the server in the next building at the place I was working, and realising it. That I actually couldn’t survive without proper social interaction. Very damning as I believed it was the opposite. I believed there was no requirement for the Other in a friend vs acquaintance scenario.
So I have maintained the belief to just try and achieve the ‘highest serving’ social circle, as it cannot be expunged. Say for example, as a teenager I was somewhat unable to tell the difference between myself ‘being friendly’ and someone ‘being my friend’. I am friendly to everyone. Took me a long time to realise there was a difference. I made friends just with people whom liked me. This was one of my main errors. Bringing in huge amounts of people and being unable to truly work out what I wanted in a friend. When I realised my body couldn’t survive without the Other, I realised very quickly that research would need to be done to make the connections the least problematic.
Love of the occult, and high openness, are my two most strong markers for friendship. Occult being ‘deviant concepts’ which may often be hidden to others or you feel the desire to reject on pretense of society connectivity. Niche fields, traditional occultism, quantum physics, metaphysics, golkilock’s zone inhabitants, jungian concepts, etc. Every human is different as to what they believe ‘hidden information’ (occult) is. The other indicator is high openness / intelligence because I talk a lot about abstract concepts to an incredibly niche detail. Mix that with the occultism and you have a recipe for ‘creating immense amounts of rage in the Other trying to fix in a neat little box’. A person too rigid in thought whom fights me at every corner I feel actually influences me to be less intelligent. Which reflectively makes me unsatisfied due to implying I am in error to think. Commonly I hear the phrase, ‘you think too much’. As soon as I hear that, I start to conceptually remove myself from association with the person, the phrase ‘slide out’ works here. Due to the fact that I thought for exactly the same amount of time they did, my brain just did more work… Too much implies that they had thought enough. I don’t blame other people, I just realise that this is a marker for incompatibility.
To conceptually remove myself, I first do it in concept in my mind, then I perform it physically when I have worked out a way that they have no power to keep me in their environment. In a sense its a form of compassion, in another sense its a form of protecting the Self. I use extreme manipulation due to working out that it affects my survival, so I get predatory about leaving a connection. I try very hard to not destroy things on my extraction from the environment as usually I am entangled within a social circle by the time this occurs. Due to my desire to always greet people with friendly pretext, it can take a while for me to notice a negative. Possibly weeks or months. To then leave a person’s environment without destabilising them, I need to do some form of manipulation to make them feel that nothing is wrong, life will go on without me, etc. Pretty much, I look for my replacement long before I actually leave to at least temporarily take over before the group decides on someone when I have officially left. Its subconscious pretty much, I just observe it. Innate feeling of responsibility towards environments that have learnt to rely on my energy for interaction.
So yes. To summarise. I am very extroverted. I learnt I actually was through removing myself from entire social circles over years from the age of 18-22. Where I got smaller and smaller groups then became non-existent in all my prior social circles following this age, and didn’t engage myself with any like-environment for my external reality to procure more. I then started to equate people properly as either acquaintances or friends. I now tend to treat people as ‘close temporary friends’, with the emphasis on temporary but treat them the same way I would treat a long-term friend. I now seek high quality friendships that I ‘cannot replace’.
Markers for cannot replace are within the knowledge a person has. The more unique the data, the more I wish to keep the person due to ‘being interesting’.
(c) 2021 Siren Watcher