CV Resume

High in Volatility

On the severe negative scale of this high volatility: I get Self damaging. Whilst I have never cut myself or done myself physical harm. I am someone who will put myself into riskier situations, over drink, or sit pondering my own demise. Nihilism, in it’s greatest form. Losing faith in my environment and purpose for living. The only reason my volatility may not be 100%, a hypothesis could be, because I have enough intelligence to convince myself, to give myself a break.

I have very high self standards. I do not have as high of standards for others, though I expect them to adhere to at least some objective belief of themselves. Ie, I make people subconsciously live up to their own standards. I don’t believe people are me, that would be illogical, therefore do not adhere to whatever I believe my set of Self standards would be. As my standards contain my data rather than the external Other.

What this means is… When I feel people are being lazy with themselves, I am harsher and in the case of having high volatility, it generally takes the form of an aggressive demeanour. Ie, I act like a snide arsewhole. If someone else isn’t trying, I do not need to try to be nice, is likely how I subconsciously see it. I only know I do this through Self analysis, it is not something I consciously choose to do.

To put it into one sentence; “If you’re being a bad you, you give me permission to be a bad me.”

A bad me in most cases is someone who gives into my volatility, or who becomes apathetic about the person I am associating with. Both of those are equally dangerous because they destroy connections. Anger and apathy.

I try to make excuses for people sometimes, if their behaviour is abnormal then there is storage of history in memory of opposing behaviour, and my aggression may be lowered. Though this can be seen as more begrudgingly, as it feels like pulling a rhino away from something to charge at. Like “please let me be angry, please, *goes white eyed, voice booming into my emotive centers of the brain* let me fucking kill it”, is the severe end of the scale. Like desiring to destroy something presenting as an “enemy”.

As an example, if someone is being aggressive towards me because they are in a bad mood. In the heat of the moment I am unlikely to remember they are having a bad day, and will respond with the same heightened aggression that I am shown. A less volatile person would be able to control their emotions more in this case. Though due to my intelligence, I quickly work out if I have made an error and apologise after the fact. Even if I did not incite the argument to begin with, due to just logically assuming that over-expenditure of anger is useless. Though I may not forgive the person in regards to what I will explain later.

It is extremely hard for me to control my anger in the moment of the experience, due to how volatile I am natively.

In regards to pure volatility. When I get angry, I stay angry for a long time. If I feel someone has specifically acted in a way to be vindictive against me, I may forgive the person but I never trust them again. Even going out of my way to avoid reciprications to mend bridges. Or faking that the bridge is mended, but always bristling in their environment. I just, protect myself from future dissapointment.

I dislike being angry, I feel it is a waste of energy that could best be used on smarter exercises. So if someone has specifically gone out of their way to abuse me, that I have deemed “in a way that has no conservative limits” on the extent of their aggression. I just find them too dangerous to operate with. As an example, someone in a rage that remembers they love or like you, may not strike you a blow as heavy and acts more conservatively in a state of rage.

To give two examples:

Someone is having a bad day, they explode with anger at me, but they don’t want to apologise. I forgive them regardless. I don’t need an apology, I have worked out why they are angry, and it’s nothing to do with hurting me specifically. I just happened to be there to receive the anger. I bemuse that it was shelved onto me because I could handle it, and I move on and just operate like it never happened.

A person walks into an office where I am sitting. Specifically decides to make me look bad in front of others to raise their own superiority. Knowing that this will anger me, and doing this for their sheer enjoyment. Watching me try and control myself in public, unable to express my rage cause then appearing to break a well balanced feminine demenour. Generally this can even happen with people I quite like, but I choose to stop associating with these people because they will risk me endangering myself for their own gain. As more often that not, I forsake my balanced demenour and ruthlessly express my discontent. Breaking the balance of my social circle through argumentive behaviour, and causing me more problems than I gained through acting dominant.

So why I stop myself from interacting with certain kinds of people is because I am smart enough to stop activities before they start. If I think something might piss me off, I just don’t do it and do something else. Even if I really want something, I have enough stability to promote my action elsewhere.

Or in the case of a situation I cannot remove myself from, I place a mental barrier between me and the person so whatever they do won’t affect me as much. Due to having already realised that the person is, communicatively or behaviourally, incompatible. The issue is that my volatility is more highly activated by people whom I trust or feel I want to be connected to.

I can give you two examples of this in words or images.

In words I refer to it as, “carrying myself kicking and screaming” one part totally succumbing to the volatility and another part grounded and dragging myself into at least a place I can sleep it off. One part so stable that I cannot make it volatile; act emotionally, or negatively. The other part totally released into animalistic desires, dangerous and revengeful and wanting to rip everything apart. I “can see people” but there is no morals anymore. Like stopping a bullet train, it takes much longer to slow this part of me down because it’s so enraged in a primal way. In these moments, I have found things like video games extremely effective as a healthy tool for channeling a release of anger.

Usually in this case. I have found external actors, ie, other people, actually demonise the stable part of me. The part being helpful as it is shielding and protecting my volatile Self whilst it’s healing. Licking my wounds per say. Due to the volatility seeming to come from it’s general direction and covering the cause. Not all people, but very often this will be the case where the “good” part of me is predicated as the villain and the “bad” out of control part of me is seen as a princess to be protected. Never looking like a casual effect. This protective part of me never saying its not the cause, because that would mean to weaken what it was protecting. Like sending your enemies to find your pain.

So it becomes extremely complicated when interacting with people when at this level of anger. It taught me a lot about what people deem as good or bad. When you understand you are doing good, but someone calls you bad, it becomes very confusing as to addressing exactly what others must see of the world they interact with.

Or in a mental image; using wolverine claws to dig into the walls of an Alice in Wonderland hole as I fall down into volatility. Slowing myself with the claws till I am suspended holding onto the walls with my feet and claws. Just breathing, trying to calm myself down. Creating a form of half-world until I am ready to return to normal behaviour. Like Alice having a tea party in the hole on her decent to Wonderland.

In this case people laughing and joking like, its okay to come out, whilst looking down the hole. Not realising that they have no actual affect on the situation anymore, they merely started a chain reaction that I am trying to control. In some cases if I relax, I release the rest of the volatility and make very bad choices.

Looking up, saying no, and then releasing the claws to fall down into extreme volatility. Walking around my external environment psychologically ripping everything around me to shreds and making people cry and hate me because I am acting so cruel.

Due to experiencing this enough in my teens, I learnt in my 20s to just entirely stop listening to people within a state I understand can lead to higher levels of volatility. Ie, I just try really hard to use my anger healthily.

I do this mostly through bribery. “You can be angry at x time with x person.” To limit my use of it in the wrong environments. Ie, totally acceptible to be angry at your enemies rather than your allies as an example. Sexual activity, puzzle solving, inflation of positive emotion in a balanced way to control the negative emotion (storing positive emotion or memory to be able to use in a situation where I am feeling negativity – ie, remember your smart, remember your adventurous, reminding myself of who I am or who loves me or what I have, etc), alongside not running from the idea of being angry, etc. I have similar methodologies for most neurotic emotions that spiral down, like sadness, discontent, frustration, etc.

I respect my anger highly. Having low agreeableness, politeness and high volatility I would say is not a bad combination. Due to not caring what other people think of me when I get angry. Even authority figures. I very rarely feel shame when I am angry. I merely apologise, and move on. I am not negatively affected by my rage generally. Though we all know we have times when we go too far, I gain composure in knowing that I try to mitigate it.

I still get very angry. That is not something I can change. But I can work out what to do when I am angry, and after I am angry and work out how to address these things. Ie, don’t continue to be an arsewhole after I have calmed down and just apologise, try to mitigate reasons to get angry to begin with, try to slow down my descent from the line of genius-to-madness, etc.

« Back

(c) 2022 Siren Watcher